I feel like I write about the same things all the time.  I don’t know if it is because I always fail at these things or my progress is just too small for me to see.  I feel more lonely and broken than I ever have but this time I know that it’s okay to be this way.  I know I need Jesus more than I ever had in this time.  Even as I type this, I’m listening to Jonathan David Helser sing about how he is closer than my own skin. Man, why can’t I just realize this and give in to his overwhelming comfort and peace?  I even seek for love and peace in the right place most of the time but to be with a community(body) and to actually be with that community consciously is so different.

I know that isolating myself is not the right thing to do and I don’t but it almost seems like I’m isolating myself within a community and that can only be my fault, I think.  It’s probably because I don’t really initiate and communicate things to people very well.  I’m still learning a lot in that department these days.  I desperately wish to have a best friend that I can tell everything to.  I have a couple people I can do this with but sometimes it seems like they are all busy with their own lives.  When these times come and I feel like nobody wants to spend time with me and I sit here for hours on the stupid alternative universe that is Facebook, I wonder what am I actually doing with this life.

Please pray for motivation for me.  I know that God isn’t going to make me pick up a bible or go serve or anything but I seriously lack motivation to do anything when it comes to spending time with him within the last few months.  I have started listening to worship music more often and I believe that is a start but I really need to know his presence.  His presence is where everything is that I need.  Pray it is with me when I wake up and when I lay down.

Also, I know God has big plans for me and my service for him but it seems so far off and I can’t seem to gain any traction in doing anything for him in spreading the Good News!  I desperately want people to come to him on the account of them seeing him in me but I don’t think that happens very often.  I want to be able to communicate better and to love better and just abide.  I strive too much.

Thanks for listening even though there isn’t any stories or more detailed thoughts.  Hopefully, some others feel some of these things sometimes too and it helps you know that your not alone.

Love, Justin

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