Community is precious and definitely given by God Above.  If you have it, cherish it.  If you don’t, pursue it for my sake.

Life has been lethargic for me in the past weeks and months since I “lost” my community.  By lost, I mean my young adult community disbanded and my church is a shadow of what it was.  I have been hesitant to write because I didn’t think it would help and maybe I would bring down others into my sadness.  I’m still not sure that it won’t but I’ve got to get it out.

I’ve pretty much shut down and shut out the remaining people in my life minus a few who pursue my friendship on a regular basis.  I spend my days at work and my nights searching for anyone who would care whether it be the TV or the computer, I’m staring at something.  Of course I know that no one person could bear my burdens except God Himself.  It hasn’t stopped me from ignoring that truth though and I feel like I’ve done a pretty good job at it too.  Except for the fact that I know that it’s a truth and it follows me.  Thank you to the people who have spent some time with me or tried in recent days.  I’m sorry to those that I have turned down or have been rude to just because I’d rather just go home.

I’ve longed to take a vacation from it all.  However, I can’t really since I do not get paid for hours I do not work.  I also don’t think it would be good for me anyway since I feel alone in all of this anyway and why would I go be alone somewhere else.  Yes, I know the Lord would meet me there and he’s ready for me to be in the wilderness with Him again where he just wraps me in His freaking arms.  It’s kind of funny since I was here thinking the same thing a year or two ago.  I didn’t want to go to the wilderness then but I knew it was probably the best thing for me to do.  I know it is the best thing for me again but I’m still not ready.  Maybe soon?  I want to go willingly, I do.  No more kicking and screaming.  No more how long will it take? But right now, I have excuses and they are legit.  I really don’t have any extra money now with only one roommate and I really don’t have a car that would make it past an hour of driving. Ugh I hate that I have excuses.

Why is it that life always has tension?  Why is it that you can’t grow while being comfortable?  Why is it that I bleive in such crazy love regardless of what I have done or haven’t done in the last few months?  Why can’t I just be happy again?  Where is the joy that passes all understanding?  Why did this happen to my church, my community, my pastors, and my friends?  I long for resurrection but here I am still mourning the past.  Why can’t I just fully anticipate what is to come and be happy that I’m one of the most blessed individuals on this Planet?  I have sooooooo much. Too much.

I think I feel the Lord leading me to California.  But do I?  There is so much doubt and unbelief right now.  I don’t want to go to just start over and run away from everything.  I want to go to really unlock what God wants to unlock in my life.  I really am excited about the opportunity. I just don’t show excitement well. I’m hungry and thirsty for more of Jesus.  I need the Bread of life.  I need Him. I need you.  I need prayer.

Advertisements