Archive for September, 2015

  1. My excitement was caught up in the excitement of the partners in ministry that I would have been living/communing with.  I’m not sure that I really ever had true excitement for myself.
  2. I didn’t pray enough and even though I had peace about it, I didn’t know for sure.
  3. When I did pray and found that God was telling me that if I was meant to go that things would work out and go smooth for me to do so then it would be good.  For those of you who don’t know when my house sold, it did not go smoothly and it ended up closing several weeks after the original closing date.  Also, my contracting job at the bank ended in May where initially my boss had said it would be extended to August.  She withdrew that offer.
  4. God has a plan for me being a missionary. I just wish it was right now but who knows it could be 30 years from now and I pressured myself into doing this because I wanted it to be now.


I’m in a tough place in my life to where I don’t see my future as very bright.  Yes, I know the Bible says contrary to this but I have so much trouble believing it anymore.  Yes, good things in life happen. However, I feel that there are just things in life that come one after another that I have to deal with.  There is never any smooth sailing and if there is, just wait a day.

I don’t understand why God would have me deal with something and by dealing with that something not be able to get to where I feel that I should be by this age or for that matter be where he wants me.  I don’t understand why I can’t do what I want and make money doing it.  OK, if we were put on this earth for others then why do I have to work a miserable job to even think about helping someone. Spare me the comments as far as helping people if different ways than money.  Everything cost money.  Even that cup of cold water or bucket of water to wash somebody’s feet.

Yes, it was my fault when I was young to pile up the debt and spend a fortune only to find out that somebody never really loved me.  But again, I’m still paying that off miserably so that I can get an ounce of freedom to help somebody else or maybe even have a family one day. Most days I just give up thinking about having any true joy in life. Maybe just maybe I’ll be debt free one day.  Maybe I can be a missionary or have a family.  I will be thankful if I’m granted that.

I’m sorry if this seems like a downer post but I’m truly in a rough patch to where I’m not sure where to turn other than to pray.  I don’t even truly do that much because I haven’t heard much these days.