Tag Archive: life


not sure

As I begin to write, I’m not sure how long this will be and I’m not exactly sure what will come out because there is just way too much on my mind.  As many of you know, there is a lot of uncertainty in my life and it’s not easiest season to be in.  However, the strange thing is I feel like I’m right where I need to be.  I’m uncomfortable, vulnerable, and emotional when it comes to these things.  I also feel peace most of the time but I’m sure that has a lot to do with many of your prayers for me.

I ask that you continue to lift me because I feel like any time I might be going in the right direction, a door shuts and I get frustrated or I begin to panic and have anxiety.  Don’t get me wrong though because I definitely know that the Lord is working and that it’s in a way that I cannot see.  I mean that is how you grow faith.  There is no faith in knowing what is going to happen exactly.  I have begun to wonder what allowed Jesus(even though he was the son of God) trust God that the only way to save his people was for him to die.  I mean that is some crazy stuff.  It doesn’t matter what kind of faith you have, when God asks you to give up your life it is going to be mind blowing.  But that is exactly what he is doing.  He asks you and I to give up our life on a daily basis.  Pastor Jonathan Martin said yesterday, “Every death that we die is always a step toward resurrection.”  

Oh how I long to be resurrected in every area of my life and how I long for others to be resurrected too. Giving up yourself to die so that God can bring the power of resurrection life is the best thing that somebody could ever do.  I want to give up my life.  I want nothing but Christ alone.  He is worth it all.

It is all yours Lord.  I give everything I have to you. Use me as you please.  Show me your ways. Show me your heart. Guide me Holy Spirit.  Amen.

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I believe that your dreams can be good and God inspired and that he uses them for things.  However, if you rely on them too much then it’s not going to do you any good.  For example, in my last blog I mentioned that I wanted to go to Peru and do all this stuff and bring a team down there eventually.  I still believe that these are dreams and desires he has given me but I also think I was trusting in them too much and not trusting him to mold and shape these dreams.

God’s plans for your life are so much bigger than you can imagine or think and when you concentrate on one or two dreams he has given you then you end up missing something. Before I went to Peru, I thought the Lord was saying, give your dreams and desires that I have given you because I’m going to do something so much better if you just trust me and the plans I have for you.  I wasn’t completely comfortable in giving them up right away but ultimately decided that he knows best and most likely he’s going to use my obedience.

The second thing I felt like I was being told was be faithful in the small things and you will be rewarded with much.  Don’t wait and do something that you feel like God called you to do but do what is in front of you first.  If you are obedient in serving and doing the little things, he will be able to trust you with the bigger things.  It seems like a simple biblical concept but I think that its truly a great thing to put into practice.

Look, I know that God has a humongous plan for my life and he may or may not include the dreams and desires that I’ve had so far.  However, I also know that if I trust in him, he’s going to end up blessing me and trusting me with much and it will always blow my mind that he loves me and wants to include me in his work.  I want to be that guy!  I want to be like Jesus.  I want to be the guy that goes when somebody needs to be sent but I also want to be that guy that stays and cleans the toilet if that’s what needs to be done.

I feel like I write about the same things all the time.  I don’t know if it is because I always fail at these things or my progress is just too small for me to see.  I feel more lonely and broken than I ever have but this time I know that it’s okay to be this way.  I know I need Jesus more than I ever had in this time.  Even as I type this, I’m listening to Jonathan David Helser sing about how he is closer than my own skin. Man, why can’t I just realize this and give in to his overwhelming comfort and peace?  I even seek for love and peace in the right place most of the time but to be with a community(body) and to actually be with that community consciously is so different.

I know that isolating myself is not the right thing to do and I don’t but it almost seems like I’m isolating myself within a community and that can only be my fault, I think.  It’s probably because I don’t really initiate and communicate things to people very well.  I’m still learning a lot in that department these days.  I desperately wish to have a best friend that I can tell everything to.  I have a couple people I can do this with but sometimes it seems like they are all busy with their own lives.  When these times come and I feel like nobody wants to spend time with me and I sit here for hours on the stupid alternative universe that is Facebook, I wonder what am I actually doing with this life.

Please pray for motivation for me.  I know that God isn’t going to make me pick up a bible or go serve or anything but I seriously lack motivation to do anything when it comes to spending time with him within the last few months.  I have started listening to worship music more often and I believe that is a start but I really need to know his presence.  His presence is where everything is that I need.  Pray it is with me when I wake up and when I lay down.

Also, I know God has big plans for me and my service for him but it seems so far off and I can’t seem to gain any traction in doing anything for him in spreading the Good News!  I desperately want people to come to him on the account of them seeing him in me but I don’t think that happens very often.  I want to be able to communicate better and to love better and just abide.  I strive too much.

Thanks for listening even though there isn’t any stories or more detailed thoughts.  Hopefully, some others feel some of these things sometimes too and it helps you know that your not alone.

Love, Justin

It’s one thing to know God was fully human and fully God through Jesus Christ his son.  It is another to know and understand that Jesus knew and experienced our same emotions.  I don’t normally think of Jesus being depressed and lonely.  At times, he was rejected, broken, mocked, and despised.  Jesus knew the Father and he was within the Father just as he is within us.  I feel like he knew what to do with those emotions because knowing the Father.  If we know the Father and press into him while we experience any of these so called negative emotions, I think we can come out of it much quicker because we will know how to deal with them.  We will be able to recognize that his love covers us and he wants to lavish it on us.  It’s like real life, you can love somebody from afar but if they are right there before you, you can really love them and show it.  The Lord wants to be close to you.  You can always look to Jesus as an example because he experienced the things we experience, he experienced human life.