Tag Archive: lonely

I feel like I write about the same things all the time.  I don’t know if it is because I always fail at these things or my progress is just too small for me to see.  I feel more lonely and broken than I ever have but this time I know that it’s okay to be this way.  I know I need Jesus more than I ever had in this time.  Even as I type this, I’m listening to Jonathan David Helser sing about how he is closer than my own skin. Man, why can’t I just realize this and give in to his overwhelming comfort and peace?  I even seek for love and peace in the right place most of the time but to be with a community(body) and to actually be with that community consciously is so different.

I know that isolating myself is not the right thing to do and I don’t but it almost seems like I’m isolating myself within a community and that can only be my fault, I think.  It’s probably because I don’t really initiate and communicate things to people very well.  I’m still learning a lot in that department these days.  I desperately wish to have a best friend that I can tell everything to.  I have a couple people I can do this with but sometimes it seems like they are all busy with their own lives.  When these times come and I feel like nobody wants to spend time with me and I sit here for hours on the stupid alternative universe that is Facebook, I wonder what am I actually doing with this life.

Please pray for motivation for me.  I know that God isn’t going to make me pick up a bible or go serve or anything but I seriously lack motivation to do anything when it comes to spending time with him within the last few months.  I have started listening to worship music more often and I believe that is a start but I really need to know his presence.  His presence is where everything is that I need.  Pray it is with me when I wake up and when I lay down.

Also, I know God has big plans for me and my service for him but it seems so far off and I can’t seem to gain any traction in doing anything for him in spreading the Good News!  I desperately want people to come to him on the account of them seeing him in me but I don’t think that happens very often.  I want to be able to communicate better and to love better and just abide.  I strive too much.

Thanks for listening even though there isn’t any stories or more detailed thoughts.  Hopefully, some others feel some of these things sometimes too and it helps you know that your not alone.

Love, Justin


My greatest two fears right now

Why would I write about the two things that I fear the most right now and don’t want to talk about?  God told me to and I’m sure it is because some of you( if not all) will be able to relate in one way or another.

Fear #1 The Fear of Confrontation

I have always been the one to give up my lunch money instead of putting up a fight.  I have felt like that if somebody wants to argue or confront me, I must be in the wrong or have hurt them somehow.  So I give in and let them have there way and I therefore have been a push over most of my life.  However, in the last few years, I have realized that I must put up a fight for some things that I believe in.  If I don’t I will most likely end up being in trouble or involved in something that I never intended to be a part of and that usually holds me back from what I’m actually suppose to be doing.  So there comes a point where you can love and care for a person so much that you will not want to confront them on certain things that you need for them to do or that you need from them.  I had been growing from no confrontation at all to trying to be the most loving and non-direct as possible.  This can work rarely but most of the time it ends up to where somebody is confused or you give in and your right back to where you were in the first place.  So at this point I fluctuate between being non-direct and knowing that I need to be direct and loving.  I know I need to graduate to being as direct and as loving at the same time.  I need to just say things when they need to be said and get it out so that they clearly understand.  Now there is still a way to do this in a loving healthy way.  You can be bold and loving at the same time.  Verses that comes to mind are 2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity. God want us to be bold and not fear.  Deuteronomy 31:6 So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them.  For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you.  He will neither fail you nor abandon you.  So let’s be bold and confront things we need to confront head on.  Please pray that I am able to do this as there is a situation in my life where I need to do a much better job at this.

Fear #2 Being Alone

This one I really do not want to talk about at all but I know I need to.  I know that it is dumb but I fear being by myself.  It’s not that I don’t know that The Lord is there, it’s because he is there.  I’ve never been disappointed with being alone with him but I know that when I’m alone that I’m vulnerable.  The loneliest times in my life were very hard even though I knew he was there.  Don’t get me wrong, I know that he will be gentle with me but I just get this anxiety and anxiousness right now when I think about being alone.  I seem to think he is going to make me change and have me do something else.  I’m blessed to be a part of the best community of believers that I’ve ever been a part of and again for some reason I feel like he wants to take them away and that I will not want to do what he wants.  It’s very likely that he just wants me to be with him and him alone and for me to trust him .  He may just want me to be away from them for a small period of time because they represent my comfortable place.  I know that when your comfortable then its time to move and do something else.  I know that he’s not going to make me do something that I don’t desire but its really hard for me to believe and trust in that right now that he really does have the best in mind and has great plans for me to prosper and have a great life.  I’m looking to go on a solitude retreat so that I can go be alone with him.  I would love that you could pray that I do that and that in the future, I would not be hesitant to go away with him in solitude.  I want to be okay when its just me and him.  I want to have a good relationship and be friends and have great conversations.  I want this so that when he brings the right woman for me then I can only trust in my relationship w/ him and therefore know that me and her will be okay as well.  Lastly, I want to be able to trust in Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28.