Tag Archive: love

not sure

As I begin to write, I’m not sure how long this will be and I’m not exactly sure what will come out because there is just way too much on my mind.  As many of you know, there is a lot of uncertainty in my life and it’s not easiest season to be in.  However, the strange thing is I feel like I’m right where I need to be.  I’m uncomfortable, vulnerable, and emotional when it comes to these things.  I also feel peace most of the time but I’m sure that has a lot to do with many of your prayers for me.

I ask that you continue to lift me because I feel like any time I might be going in the right direction, a door shuts and I get frustrated or I begin to panic and have anxiety.  Don’t get me wrong though because I definitely know that the Lord is working and that it’s in a way that I cannot see.  I mean that is how you grow faith.  There is no faith in knowing what is going to happen exactly.  I have begun to wonder what allowed Jesus(even though he was the son of God) trust God that the only way to save his people was for him to die.  I mean that is some crazy stuff.  It doesn’t matter what kind of faith you have, when God asks you to give up your life it is going to be mind blowing.  But that is exactly what he is doing.  He asks you and I to give up our life on a daily basis.  Pastor Jonathan Martin said yesterday, “Every death that we die is always a step toward resurrection.”  

Oh how I long to be resurrected in every area of my life and how I long for others to be resurrected too. Giving up yourself to die so that God can bring the power of resurrection life is the best thing that somebody could ever do.  I want to give up my life.  I want nothing but Christ alone.  He is worth it all.

It is all yours Lord.  I give everything I have to you. Use me as you please.  Show me your ways. Show me your heart. Guide me Holy Spirit.  Amen.


I believe that your dreams can be good and God inspired and that he uses them for things.  However, if you rely on them too much then it’s not going to do you any good.  For example, in my last blog I mentioned that I wanted to go to Peru and do all this stuff and bring a team down there eventually.  I still believe that these are dreams and desires he has given me but I also think I was trusting in them too much and not trusting him to mold and shape these dreams.

God’s plans for your life are so much bigger than you can imagine or think and when you concentrate on one or two dreams he has given you then you end up missing something. Before I went to Peru, I thought the Lord was saying, give your dreams and desires that I have given you because I’m going to do something so much better if you just trust me and the plans I have for you.  I wasn’t completely comfortable in giving them up right away but ultimately decided that he knows best and most likely he’s going to use my obedience.

The second thing I felt like I was being told was be faithful in the small things and you will be rewarded with much.  Don’t wait and do something that you feel like God called you to do but do what is in front of you first.  If you are obedient in serving and doing the little things, he will be able to trust you with the bigger things.  It seems like a simple biblical concept but I think that its truly a great thing to put into practice.

Look, I know that God has a humongous plan for my life and he may or may not include the dreams and desires that I’ve had so far.  However, I also know that if I trust in him, he’s going to end up blessing me and trusting me with much and it will always blow my mind that he loves me and wants to include me in his work.  I want to be that guy!  I want to be like Jesus.  I want to be the guy that goes when somebody needs to be sent but I also want to be that guy that stays and cleans the toilet if that’s what needs to be done.

Solitude leading to Compassion

I think I’ve always had a decent amount of compassion for people.  Although some of that may have been taken away based on working in retail for years.  But all the same, I still generally care for my neighbor and would love for everyone to have joy, be blessed, and most of all know the creator of the universe.

I just returned from a retreat at Mepkin Abbey monastery and there are going to be a lot of things that I write about in the coming weeks but I want to begin with two quotes from Richard Foster and his book Celebration for Discipline.  The first quote is “Like Jesus, we must go away from people so that we can truly be present when we are with these people.”  The second being “The fruit of solitude is increased sensitivity and compassion for others.  There becomes a new freedom to be with people.  There is new attentiveness to their needs, new responsiveness to their hurts.”  Both of these quotes became very true to me after this retreat.  I have a huge desire to be present with my community and other people going forward.  I also feel a new sensitivity/ compassion towards people in general.  Everywhere I go now it seems like I’m praying for people who walk by with a limp or who look angry or sad.  However, my real desire to to pray “with” these people and listen to their stories regardless of how hard it may be to hear.  I’ve also noticed a desire to actually talk to others and getting them to talk more about themselves and not going away feeling like I talked about myself too much.  And last, I feel a renewed freedom to share with my community on a deeper level.  I feel like God is definitely doing a work here.

My problem has always been expressing or putting this compassion into action.  For the last few months, I’ve been screaming inside to do something/anything for God  I’ve used many different excuses such as “I can’t do this alone” or “I don’t know what to do” to “I don’t have enough faith to do that,” etc.  I’m needing to go ahead and just do this and jump in.  How? Well, I know some people who do street ministry or I could just randomly pray for someone.  I ask that you pray with me for the the right opportunity and that God will give me grace and I will be able to jump in and “Just do it.”

We have been in the book of Hosea at my college young adult ministry on Tuesdays.  It is very interesting what God calls Hosea to do in taking a wife of prostitution.  Yet, if you think of it in this story; we are Gomer.  We tend to deny, disobey, ignore, reject God just as she does Hosea.  However, God chooses to love Gomer and Hosea does as well and keeps going after her.  He has a covenant relationship to where he just can’t but help to love her (us).

Now bear with me as I’m going to be vulnerable here but I also know what it’s like to be Hosea in this story because of my marriage fallout.  My ex-wife left me on Thanksgiving of 2007 in which come to found out was for a man that she had gone out with two days prior to that.  I knew that they had gone out but was a little naive at the time and actually didn’t care much because our relationship had already fallen apart.  The point being she ended up pregnant 3 months later and had a little girl in 2008.  I did not know until I stumbled upon a message from the father asking the ? if I had been with her.  I had not but when I found out I was devastated again because it was such a desire of my heart to become a father.  I had so many thoughts of Why was I not good enough and Didn’t I give you everything that you needed?  I couldn’t bear thinking about it much without being depressed and I hated her for it intensely.  So when Gomer does this to Hosea or when we do this to God he doesn’t hate us?  Say What!

This love that he provides is the best thing that I have ever experienced.  Even though I only catch small glimpses from time to time it is overwhelming.  I think I’ll be asking why for the rest of my life just because it’s unbelievable.  There is no good explanation to why he did what he did in my and your place.  We continue to be unfaithful from time to time and yet he is there every time when we come home.  I know what this unfaithfulness does to someone and how much pain, hurt, frustration, and hate it causes.  However, all he does is love.

Romans 5:8   But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Let’s praise him for his covenant love that we may never understand completely!